Confidence and Criticism

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Bullying has been making headlines recently.  A lot.  Not even beloved icons are immune to attracting haters and trolls.  It seems that with the advent of social media, boundaries of basic propriety have all but disappeared.  As people are more and more emboldened by online anonymity, they grow equally emboldened to say such things in person.

Bullying can take a heavy toll, even if the words are not true, or the actions unjust.  After a while it doesn’t matter what's true or not, we tend to believe what people tell us, and the unseen reality of your inner strength tends to diminish.  Soon, all that remains are the painful words. I wish I could tell you that there is some magic pill that will make you bully-proof, but there is not.  Allyssa Campanella, Miss USA 2011 has spoken out on a number of occasions about her struggle with bullying, skinny-shaming and self confidence during her year as Miss USA.  The picture she paints is that of a young woman who had everything going for her - looks, brains, a prestigious title and adoring fans - and still faced hundreds of people intent on tearing her down.

The fact is that people will judge you no matter what you do or accomplish.  That doesn’t mean you have to give them the power to tell you who you are.  Between your true friends, and your own investment working through the questions in these posts, you have all the tools you need to move on past the haters.  That strength is contagious.  By taking that first step of believing in yourself and rejecting their scornful words, you have an incredible opportunity, not only to show the bullies they are wrong, but to become an inspiration to the people who look up to you.  Who you are matters deeply. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Now, there is another kind of judgement that happens on a daily basis, and it can be uncomfortable, but it is different than bullying and we need to be carefull to treat it right.  Every time you walk into an audition, or go to a job interview, or ask your parents for extra freedom, or your boss for more responsibility, you are asking these people to judge you.  And they will.  Its their job to evaluate your skills and maturity and reward you accordingly.

For pageant girls, this kind of judgement is nigh on omnipresent.  We spend hundreds of hours preparing for a small group of judges to evaluate our character, fitness and overall presence in a matter of minutes.  Any time you ask for this kind of judgement you need to be prepared to take it, whether you like what your parents, boss or judges tell you.  This is a healthy part of the growing process.  Its just like when you go to the gym and after working for weeks on your arms, you try to up the weight you can lift.  If you can’t handle the new weight, does it mean you are a failure at working out?  Probably not.  It may mean you tried too much weight, or that you are just progressing a little slower than you had thought.  Either way, its just a checkpoint on the road to where you are going.  

So, when you ask for judgement on your character, your maturity or your abilities, take the critique and know that you now have a new tool of understanding or insight to use in your journey forward.  

In short - you will be judged. There is no getting out of it.  But the judgements do not define you.  If they are false, they do not deserve your attention.  If they are true, learn from the experience and smile, because you are just a little stronger than you were before.

Questions for Pondering and Discussion:

Who do you allow to judge you in life and looks?  

Are they a force of good, critiquing your progress, or do they tear you down?

How can you turn your critics into allies to help you achieve your goals?

How can you counteract hurtful words that tear at your inner strength?

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Shopping for something more

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Lets take a break from the soul-searching because the holidays are fast approaching! Whether you love shopping or hate it, every year we work hard to find the perfect gifts for people in our life. Black Friday is always fraught with deals, steals and drama if you are one of the intrepid shoppers willing to stand in line for hours to find that spectacular deal. If you’re like me though, price isn’t always everything.  

With more and more understanding about how consumer habits in the US effect people in developing and emerging economies, not to mention how a constant desire for more effects our own mental health, it’s worth it to make your dollars count for more than just that stocking stuffer. But, sometimes it’s hard to find the right thing. In order to get your juices flowing, here’s my list of exceptional gifts and shops. There’s a little of everything here from Chocolate that supports local animal shelters to Apparel helping young women build a future. Be sure to check back throughout December because I’ll be adding to it!

CLICK HERE for the full list!

Enjoy this Black Friday with a little arm-chair shopping with purchases that will last long after the new-ness is gone.  And while you’re looking, I want to hear from you - where is your favorite place to shop and give back during the Holiday? Reply HERE to this post with a selfie of yourself and the organization you support during the holidays.  Let’s pool our collective experience and see just how much good our gifts can do! Happy shopping!

Type and Beauty

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You have a type.  Its like a super power.  And you can learn to use it, enhance it and embrace it, or you can spend your life taking a sledge hammer and chisel to it in an attempt to make it something else. Plenty of people have been successful at both. But that choice is a choice you should make for you. How you look should make you feel happy and confident, whether its embracing your natural type, or exploring something new.

In my experience, life is much brighter when you learn to work with your type rather than against it. For instance: I’m a curvy girl. Not a big curvy girl, I have model sized boobs and waist, but I’m about 4 inches “too big” around the hips to ever really make it professionally as a model.  I have tried to get those inches off.  In fact, for a few days in March of 2013, they were gone, but I was at the end of an extreme low-calorie diet of about 500 calories a day and HCG supplements.  The instant I stopped the diet, I gained the inches back.  It was frustrating, but it taught me something valuable about diets and my body.  

Obviously I couldn’t LIVE on 500 calories a day. Prior to that diet I was already eating healthy - lots of veggies, protein and healthy fats - so there wasn’t much I would lose healthily by changing eating habits.  So, I decided to see what else I could do to lean out and tone up.  The Gym was the obvious next stop and I will have a several posts on that coming up.  But the lesson I learned by looking at the “lost” ground as I gained the inches back was that my body has a place where it's happy and healthy.  I would be able to force it smaller for a little while, but that was not a sustainable lifestyle.  Even if you talk to professional athletes or top level beauty queens - they do NOT look like that 365 days a year. Rather, they design their lifestyle around competition so that they can peak when it counts, and give their body a rest when it doesn’t.

I have a life beyond the gym and I wasn’t willing to give it up, and personal health is important to me beyond looks.  So I shifted my focus from trying to make myself new and I started embracing my natural type.  Whether you’re curvy, straight, pear shaped, short, tall, there is a stunning, successful lady with your body type rocking her world whom nobody thought wouldn’t make it.  Stop trying to be someone else.  Somewhere in the world theres a little girl who looks like you and is looking up to you, hoping to see validation reflected in your face.

Questions for discussion and pondering:

• Whats your type?  
  • Take a minute to take stock of YOU and your goals.  There’s not a right or wrong answer to any of these questions.  They are here to help you figure out what it is that you really want to walk away with from your Fit Girl make-over.

• What do you like about your current look?  
  • Before diving in to change things, lets take stock of what we want to keep or enhance.  It can be anything - your nose, your haircut, your favorite dress.  What makes you look your best?  If you are having a hard time with this question ask a friend or loved one to tell you what they like about how you look.  You might be surprised by what they tell you.

• What do you wish you could change?
  • For this question feel free to be honest.  I, for instance have always hated my nose, and have always wished for sleek, toned legs.

• Why do you want to change it?  
  • I wanted my nose to be smaller so that it would be more like the classic, curved in, slightly pointed nose you see as all the rage in magazines. I wanted to look like them.  As soon as I realized that I wanted the change to “look like everyone else” my nose became one of my favorite features.  Sure, it's Roman….But who has a roman nose anymore?  No one.  Thats right.  All of a sudden it's not “too big.” It's distinctive and me!  
  • There are some things however which might need a change.   I wanted toned legs because I think they look better and that usually means you are quite fit.  Fitness is different than fitting in.  I decided to attack my legs in earnest and leave the nose job alone.

• What activities do you need to add to your daily life in order to make these changes?
  • It doesn’t have to be extravagant.  Start simple and build from there.

• Are you willing and able to put in the time and/or money to do so?
  • This is where the rubber always meets the road.  I was not willing to pay for a nose job.  I don’t think that plastic surgery is a bad thing - but I did think that just wanting to fit in, didn’t justify the expense.
  • A gym membership, however, so that I could have some accountability to work out  - now that's an investment that I could make.
  • You need to figure out what you are willing to put in for what you want to accomplish.  Write it down and then hold yourself to it!

• What do you expect to gain from changing it?
  • Acceptance?  Self confidence?  Overall fitness?  Fitting into your wedding dress again?  What do you want out of this investment in yourself?  This is your chance to dream for yourself.  Setting these goals will allow you to determine your progress and celebrate your success.

P.S.

There is a fun side to all this soul searching. Your type is more than skin deep.  As you continue to pursue your Fit Girl goals, don’t forget to pursue that thing in life that you love; Your photo hobby, your family, your local charity, your blog...Because that is the thing that makes you come alive.  What good is your fitness if you aren’t pouring equal passion into the things you love?  

In high school, you probably had a type.  You were the nerd or the life of the party, or maybe you were the pretty girl.  Everyone always hates on these stereotypes because they “just put everyone in a box.” But I think we’ve been focusing on the negative too long.  The fact is there’s power in each of those types.  The nerd?  Oh - you mean the smart one who could help you out with any homework? The pretty girl?  Oh, you mean the sweet friend who could always help you find the perfect dress?  You don’t have to stick to one type: in fact, feel free to explore!  But realize that there are things that you will excel at, and don’t be afraid to embrace that part of you - that type.  Because that is the thing that will light an internal fire in you and make your outer looks glow with something much more real and lasting.

Inner Worth vs Inner Beauty

I hate to break it to you, but the world has lied to you your whole life.  

There is no such thing as inner beauty.  

Well, sort of.  What I mean by that is this: there is no direct correlation between inner goodness and outer beauty.  Yes, we like to think that we are drawn to good people, but who won all the popular kid votes at your high school?  Chances are, it wasn’t the smartest person or the student who had volunteered the most hours.  It was a pretty girl or a hot guy.   

Let's be honest, Mother Theresa wasn’t going to win any beauty pageants, and neither would Malala Yousafzai.  But these ladies were, and are, incredibly powerful and impactful, even if they didn’t have traditional "va-voom" looks in their arsenal.  Although we know this distinction between worth and appearance exists, we still constantly conflate inner worth with outer beauty.  Thats why our self image tends to get mixed up with our reflection in the mirror.  Character makes you a strong person. It makes you resilient and it will see you through hard times and fuel your dreams.  But it is not the same thing as good looks, and it never has been.

This critical distinction is important to recognize so that we can get away from striving for "It Girl" status, and move to more of a Fit Girl mentality.  When I was in pageant mode, I met girls whose entire self worth was filtered through how they looked, partly because they were told that inner worth and character always shines through to outer beauty.  This can have devastating effects.  When inner worth is supposed to generate outer beauty, we wrongly allow judgements on our looks to inform how we feel about our internal and eternal value.  People with unique beauty, intelligence, and skills find themselves in the back of the line in life because the inner beauty isn’t shining through like they were told it should.  

Your worth is eternal and profound.

No matter if you’re battling weight problems.

No matter if you just earned a promotion.

No matter if you are having a terrible day.

No matter if you are having the best day.

Your worth is there through it all.  That self worth should be a source of empowerment, and a springboard for encouraging others to see the same in themselves. 

Sometimes, however, it’s easy to lose track of that inner worth because of several external forces.  

#1 Biology - It is a biological fact that we are attracted to physical fitness - good skin, good teeth, firm muscles, stylish clothing. Partly, its a good indication that you are healthy - which is good.  And partly, we just like beautiful things - which is fine.  Deep down, everyone wants to be pretty, and I don’t mean the "invisible character" kind of pretty.  They want the “I’m-a-supermodel” kind of pretty that we see in the movies, which always seems indicates comfort, wealth, status and success.  

#2 Marketing - For years, our billboards have become more and more idealized versions of the human form.  Businesses know that beauty sells, and as life becomes increasingly commercialized, we are told that we need more and more things to help us lead our dream life.  Personal image is a hot selling ideal for men and women, and the health and fitness sectors especially take advantage of this power in order to keep people moving from miracle supplement to miracle supplement.  

#3 Peer Pressure - From the biology and the marketing, there emerges a final factor, which is perhaps the strongest of all.  Fashion trends are all about peer pressure. Whether its a fitness trend like Jazzercise or Pilates, or a body-type trend like the thigh-gap or bikini bridge, these trends can come and go with alarming speed, leaving us reeling as to what we are “supposed” to look like.  And they often contradict each other. Today everyone is rushing to get skinny, but in our grandmothers day products like “Wate-On” sold with the promise of an exquisitely full figure.

A discussion of what makes us confident would not be complete without discussing fitness.  I think that there is a great need for a revolution in how we - especially young women - look at fitness. We are never going to escape biology, marketing or peer pressure.  Therefore, fitness goals cannot stem from any of these forces or they will end up being simply a burden rather than a blessing.  Fitness goals must come instead from a strong understanding of who you are and who you want to be.

Healthy fitness is the kind of mindset that produces gals like the universally loved Jennifer Lawrence, ladies with a strong self-image, and a confidence in what makes them uniquely powerful despite peer pressure and marketing and even what biology says is “beautiful.”   Your inner strength can shine through your smile only if you understand that outward beauty is essentially a different “muscle” than inner beauty, and it must be developed alongside all your other muscles.  

Inner beauty is intangible, but we know it when we see it.  That is the reason people call Mother Theresa beautiful, even though she would never have won a beauty pageant.  Physical fitness is in many ways about strength.   We measure fitness in terms of how much you can bench press, or how fast you can run.  Inner beauty is also about strength.  But it is a different kind of strength.  Inner beauty is the anchor for the rest of your fitness, confidence, style and success.

Questions for pondering and discussion:

What aspect of your personality or skills make you uniquely strong?

What activities are you doing to develop these skills?

If none, what activities would you like to be doing?

How can these strengths benefit your future?

How can these strengths benefit the people around you?

What three steps will you take this week to focus on improving these strengths?

Comment on my Facebook Page HERE and let me know what you think!  

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And stay tuned for more posts coming this week...